Your friends with cancer don't want unsolicited advice

No, I don't want juice cleanse or karmic healing instead of chemo

When people find out you’ve got cancer, they react in a few different ways. Not all of them are helpful.

The kind of reaction that I have found the most unhelpful and frankly really bloody annoying, falls into the unsolicited, unwanted advice or opinion category. Don’t get me wrong, usually the person making suggestions is well meaning, no one is deliberately trying to be unhelpful.

But telling me that it must be because I had the vaccine, or because I haven’t done the inner work on lurking, subconscious resentment, or that a change in diet, some tapping or a special kind of soul healing is the answer to everything, at very best lacks the curiosity to find out if I’ve actually done the thing you’re suggesting (or why I haven’t), at and worst is somewhere between ill-informed and insulting and suggests you think you know more about healing cancer than my doctors do. FFS.

Unless you’re a world leading breast cancer specialist who is on top of all the latest research and access to my personal medical history, please fuck off.

If I wanted suggestions, I would ask for them, from people I know who really know their stuff. I don’t want your hour long webinar sent to my inbox without me asking ‘because you thought I might want help with <insert everything from sleep to diet to crystals, knicker materials or the energy of my house>’. Nor do I want a free healing session of some obscure modality you’re trained in, that feel suspiciously like an underhand sales tactic to get me to buy more once I’ve sampled that first freebie.

Believe me when I say that I have a brilliant team of people supporting me, from the most medical to the most woo woo, including:

- Oncologists, nurses, surgeons and other medical people who are at the top of their field, on top of the latest research, and who I totally trust.

- Spiritual advisors and friends, from my extensive 12-step network, sponsor and meetings, to Kaballah, to spiritual mentors whose teachings and approach resonate.

- An incredible support network of friends across the world, several of whom have gone through a very similar journey before and have direct personal experience. Many are healers, coaches and the like at the top of their game.

- Embodiment and somatic support, wisdom and practices, including non-linear movement, designed to keep emotions flowing through me and keep me deeply in touch with what my body and inner knowing wants me to know, and to help me hear any requests my body or soul want to make of me.

Most of all, not forgetting me as my biggest resource. Knowing that in dark moments I have what it takes to get through things one breathe or one day at a time, is comforting. Without a doubt the road ahead will be hard, and I trust that I really can do this.

I have already got through a ton of stuff, and been doing the deep work on myself, for a long time, and have raft of resources, practices and strategies to draw on that work. Over 22 years of sobriety and getting through everything life has thrown at me - good and bad - without numbing my feelings with alcohol, drugs, food, shopping or anything, is a very decent start. Lots of therapy, coaching, mentoring and other programs have added to my toolkit over the years, as well as many ‘masterclasses’ in life’s unexpected curve balls and learning to keep going.

Only in 2023 I was in a potentially fatal car accident and have learnt, with a shit ton of support from various professionals and neuro rehab, to manage with the major life upheaval of a traumatic brain injury and PTSD, with the exhaustion, cognitive limits, physical symptoms and anxiety. Before that there was some private family stuff that meant my children’s wellbeing was worryingly shaky for years all at the same time as the pandemic, requiring me to dig extremely deep, keep the faith and keep going. Before that the first round of breast cancer and major surgery. Before that a tricky divorce and setting up a new life as a single parent of two small boys…life has not been plain sailing.

Coaching or mentoring thousands of other women on self-worth, confidence, leadership and success for over a decade now means I can use my own knowledge around wellbeing, leadership and resilience too.

I’m not saying I don’t need anyone’s help, or any indeed, any help. Far from it.

What I am saying is, really think before you offer magical healing suggestions, speculate about my health or worse. Check your motives and bias, ask questions to clarify if what you were about to say is genuinely relevant and helpful, and always ask whether I want suggestions first.